We Regret to Inform You That You May Already Be a Winner!

Dear Valued Fatuous Reader,

It is with sincere regret that we inform you that you may already be a winner of the Fatuous Sweepstakes CASH Prize. By reading this your IP address has been logged and you will go into the draw to win a MASSIVE CASH PRIZE!

Can you image how up to ONE MILLION DOLLARS could change your life?

At first you will feel disbelief when you realise that YOU are the WINNER. Then you will experience a rush of euphoria, which may last for several days. You will become increasingly distracted as you obsessively think about all the things you could spend that money on. Your productivity will plummet and you may even lose the will to work.

The media, such as local newspapers, will harass you persistently. You will bear the burden of instant SUPERSTARDOM.

They will ask you questions such as

• what you were like before you were rich
• how it feels to be a winner
• what you will do with your new found fame and fortune
• what type of toilet paper you use
• what will you do with all that money

The late night telephone calls and media circus surrounding your house will push you to breaking point, and beyond. Then when you are finally used to the attention the media will have moved on, leaving you out of the warm glow of the spotlight.

Sad and confused, you will being making a series of foolish purchases in a bid to buy the love of friends and strangers. Your extravagant spending will draw the ire of charitable organisations and you will be seen as arrogant and shallow.

As even more time passes you will alienate your friends because of your IMMENSE WEALTH and you will find yourself surrounded by sycophants that are only interested in your money.

You may one day fall in love with someone. They will claim that they don't care about your money, they truly love you. You in turn love them, your one true friend and lover in a sea of posers. You will have a beautiful, extravagant wedding that your old friends and family will begrudgingly attend. They will all leave straight after the speeches.

You will go on a honeymoon, and upon your return your lover will inform you that they've been cheating on you with your best friend, and are filing for divorce. This will leave you heart-broken and poor.

You will be totally alone in the world. No one will forgive you for your earlier arrogance. People will believe that you got what you deserve. You apply for your old job only be told that you have been replaced by a computer program.

You will drink yourself to sleep every night, slowly poisoning yourself. You will begin to feel sick every day. The emotional and physical pain will become so unbearable that you will finally summon up all your strength and willpower and throw yourself off the roof of your apartment block.

You will survive the fall but you will be completely paralysed. You will be forced to stay alive in a dirty, cockroach infested nursing home, cared for by orderlies that spit on you when no one's looking. Unable to move and unable to feel anything but pain, you will live for another 20 years until you choke on your own vomit caused from fecal contamination of your bland mush. When you realise that you are dying you will experience for a brief moment the disbelief and then euphoria that you felt when you first realised YOU WON.

The terrible burden of being a winner could already be upon you! If your IP address is selected at random this horrible fate COULD BE YOURS.

Start checking your email now, Fatuous will be contacting you in the next few weeks to deliver the crushing news that YOU ARE A WINNER!

Search 'n' Seizure

This goes out to anyone unfortunate enough to have attended yesterday's big day out event in Sydney.


PEANUTS

It was late in the summer of twenty oh eight
standing in line about a mile from the gate
I saw a drug bus pull up so I gobbed my stash
and tried to blend in with the rest of the white trash
well I accidentally swallowed I was trying not to choke
on the twelve tabs of acid and the 8-ball of coke
I was feeling a bit odd so I lit up a joint
when this dog scampered over and started to point

Well I used to love peanuts way back when
snoopy was just a beagle
But now snoopy's got a cop and the cop's got a gun
and they say they smell something illegal

I said "cops are tops, there are way too few
Y'know, haven't you got something better to do?
isn't there some place else you could go?
I'm just waiting here to get into the show"
well the dog looked up at me and said with a smile
"Hepped up on goofballs! You're off your fucking dial"
or something like that I couldn't really understand
but the next thing I knew that cop bit me on the hand

Well I used to love peanuts way back when
snoopy was just a beagle
but now snoopy's got a gun and the cop's got a bone
and they say I did something illegal

Was it the barking cop or the talking dog?
or like the drugs, were they were all just doing their job?
I put my version of events on a square of blotter paper
and woke up in hospital thirteen days later
now listen here kids if you want my advice
when you see a policeman just act nice
never store your stash on the inside of your mouth
and stay the hell away from the big day out

The Chinese Zodiac

I was born in the year of the goat, and a girl I know was born in the year of the pig.

Now certain "voices" are trying to tell me that I was born in the year of the "ram" and that my (admittedly not that ugly) friend was born in the year of the "boar". Well I don't want to be a ram and my friend doesn't want to be a boar. No way Mr. Sing. Screw you, your fortune cookie and your crappy placemat. We were happy just being the laid back farm animals that we were before.

Is this a case of political correctness gone mad? A mix up at the lab? Poor translation? An interracial/interstellar trans-gender revisionist conspiracy against the gwailo?

I must know the truth.