I had a dream that I had a dream

If Martin Luther King really had a dream his speech might have sounded something like this ...


I had a dream that I had a dream, that one day this nation will rise up and feed on the brains of the living and fulfill the prophecy: "We hold these brains to be self-evident: that all men taste equal."

I had a dream that I had a dream that one day on the red hills of Hollwood the sons Xenu and the sons of that guy from that movie will be able to sit down together at the octagon table.

I had a dream that I had a dream that I had a never-ending string that was sticking out of a wound on my elbow, and when I pulled it it just kept going which really freaked me out.

I had a dream that I had a dream that my four little children had beards.

I had a dream that I had a dream today. Only it wasn’t today, it was sometime in the future. I know because the doors opened without me having to touch them.

I had a dream that I had a dream that one day right there in Alabama, little black boys and black girls could cross tractor beams, without reversing polarity and exploding.

I had a dream that I had a dream just this morning.

I had a dream that I had a dream that I was at school again, only I had no idea why and when the teacher asked me a question I realized I had no clothes on.

I had a dream that I had a dream that I had this group of friends and they felt really familiar, but I didn’t remember any of them later.

One of them was this hot blonde girl who took me to her spaceship and started to get freaky with a midget and a Disney animatronic goofy. I was totally getting into it when I woke up in a wet spot on the mattress.

THEN FROM OUT OF FRIKKEN NOWHERE Rosie O’Donnell’s head lunges at me from a SEVEN HEADED HYDRA!!! I swing at her wildly but my arms are percentage signs and she’s eating me!

Let me the fuck out of here! OMFG is this bad karma or what!

Let me the fuck out of here! Man I wish I could put this on Youtube. I’d get featured for sure.

Let me the fuck out of here! Holy shit she is drooling on me!!! Thats messed up!

Let me the fuck out of here! SHES EATING MY GOD DAMNED LEGS!

Let me the fuck out of here! ZOMFGWTFOMGOMG!!!

I know you can hear me! I can hear you next door bouncing that infernal basketball in the driveway! Why won’t you listen to me?!?!

Wait.. that is a basketball I can hear next door. Hey.. I’m awake! What a mindfuck! AWAKE AT LAST! AWAKE AT LAST THANK GOD ALMIGHTY I AM AWAKE AT LAST!

Depression Hurts

In 2001, Prozac's patent expired. Eli Lilly, the manufacturer, lost $35M of market value overnight. But Eli Lilly have a little trick up their corporate sleeves - Cymbalta.

Depression Hurts, but you don't have to. That's the claim. And that's why they developed an antidepressant that is ALSO a painkiller. Sounds like Eli Lilly are onto a winner - discontinuing both antidepressants and painkillers is the one-two punch that will knock out the competition. They sure know the deal when it comes to customer loyalty.

During the clinical trials, a woman taking the drug hung herself in the lab. She'd couldn't afford to go to college and took part in the trials to earn money - $150 a day plus meals. Eli Lilly's response? "She was depressed, that's why she killed herself". Four other patients also killed themselves during the trials. The FDA gave Cymbalta the all-clear.

Maybe we could all do with Cymbalta - I took the Cymbalta Symptom Body Map test and guess what? I'm severely depressed! And in pain! Just look at the evidence - I suffer from:

• headaches
• sadness, hopelessness
• restlessness and irritability
• loss of interest
• concentration problems
• sometimes sleeping too much, sometimes not enough
• stress and tension
• aches and pains
• fatigue - I don't have the energy to do the things I need or want to do
• stomach aches and indigestion

If I met someone who told me that they had never suffered from one of the above, I'd think they were lying. Or smile and slowly take a step backward. And then run, FAST.

Now I like drugs. They're mostly great. But Cymbalta just makes Eli Lilly look evil. Prozac was great for them. They got addicted to the profit. And now they're getting withdrawal symptoms. They can't control their addiction. And like a junky, they'll do anything to get their fix, even if it means risking the lives of millions of people. It's time for an intervention.

The Super Jews (that did 9-11)

Chapter 1

No one would have believed that in the early years of the 21st century the world would be controlled by a race of malevolent Super Jews. Fewer still would have understood that through his diabolical "final solution", Hitler would ironically give birth not to an Aryan super-race, but to the very Super Jews whose global illuminati would ultimately threaten the fabric of civilized society.

Hitler devised the final solution in the 1930s. The goal was to revolutionize industrial relations and keep interest rates low. The methodology was simple: exterminate as many Jews as possible. The means: Zyklon B

Into the showers they went. But like microbial pathogens that have grown resistant to the latest antibiotic, they would not die. When the SS guards re-opened the chamber, they were greeted not by a satisfying pile of corpses, but by a mysterious green glow. Hitler, failing to understand basic Darwinian selection, had overlooked the fact that in a population of six million, there are individuals who wont die, but will instead fiendishly mutate and develop laser beam shooting eyeballs, glowing green skin, and mental telepathy. Hitler had tried to play god, and he had fucked up badly.

The Super Jews had arrived.

To be continued.

It's "Segway", motherfuckers

> What's your issue with the word "segue" again? I forget...

Glad you asked.

Segway® (pronounced: seg-way) is a registered trademark of Segway Inc. in the United States and/or other countries

Segue (possible pronounciation: seg-yoo) is a foreign word of indeterminate meaning. It probably originates from French or Italian and its usage in English (outside prolix subculture) was practically unknown until the commercial development of the Segway®. Anecdotal evidence confirms that over 99.997% of people who claim to have known of the word before this time cannot pass a polygraph test.

So when people say or write segue (sic), they are almost certainly thinking of what a Segway® does. For the purposes of the vernacular, the word can be defined as a (misspelled) verb form of the proper noun, Segway®. If you think that's a contradiction in terms then you're a racist.

Example: The phrase "I will digitally manipulate the images using computer software such as Adobe Photoshop" will decay to "I will photoshop the images". Eventually, the words will gain so much gravity that they collapse and become supermassive buzzwords. Example: "we cannot accept any more band-aid solutions". It is the laws of physics and it cannot be altered.

According to a barely credible source, the translation of the word has something to do with music. Now, even if the inventor of the Segway® knew of this obscure foreign word when he invented the Segway®, it doesn't matter. Why? Because anyone who doesn't have a very good excuse for using a foreign word, and who uses it for meanings outside of its strict translation, has definitely got an image in their mind of a fat hairy nerd riding around on a Segway®, that's why. Besides, the spelling "segway" gives rise to useful forms like "segwayed", "segwaying" and "segwayer", whereas the other spelling that appears to rhyme with poo, will only lead to pompous blog posts, decreasing standards in education, and ultimately, global thermonuclear jihad.

Put simply, I have been forced into this neo-pretentious crusade by cretins who write "segue", where "go" or "change" would suffice. The next time you think of using the word, ask yourself, why? - and then slap yourself in the face. If you see someone else write it - don't trust them, and if you can kill them without getting caught, do it. I will not stop until I have personally segwayed every occurrence of the incorrect spelling, lobbied lexicographers for the proper spelling and etymology to be included on their dictionaries, and raised awareness of this issue to the highest levels of government.