The Whacky Adventures of Step Hen & Con Roy

Vagina Bike

Fatuous reduces ASCII Penis code by 93%

A fatuous contributor yesterday demonstrated a way to depict a penis using ASCII text that used just 4 characters. This is a massive reduction in code which previously took several lines and up to 100 characters.

"I initially started out thinking of ways to add additional features such as pubes and little squirty bits coming out the end. Then i thought to myself "What am i, Symantec?" and decided to take the code right back to basics."

The new version dispenses with pubes, which some might find a little disappointing, but still includes a reference to the squirty bit in the form of a hyphen (ASCII code 45) so key functionality still remains.

The new lightweight code is set to revolutionize the internetz with users now able to include a facsimile (the author prefers to describe it as an "homage") of the male member in text fields that do not allow for multiple lines of text.

"Be prepared for a flood of tweets and facebook status updates that include the new, "lightweight" ASCII Penis!" beamed the anonymous author.

Fatuous Consolidated Press

ASCII PENIS

      ___
     //  7
    (_,_/\
     \    \
      \    \
      _\    \__
     (   \     )
      \___\___/

Flying Pig Flu

It all started with bird flu, then came horse flu, and now pig flu. Some prefer avian, equine and swine. Others call them asian, aussie and mexican flu. But a flu by any other name would still smell like nothing when your nose is all blocked and flu-ey.

The fact is we are staring down the barrel of the 12 epidemics of the chinese horoscope! It's the biggest series of plagues you never read about in the bible. Those clever asians were right all along. You may laugh now but you won't be laughing when dragon flu comes around. Oh no, I'm sure you'll be taking it damned seriously by then.

Don't you see? All 12 plagues must come to pass. Remember the black plague? Rat flu! HIV Aids? Monkey flu!

We have upset the harmony of the Tao. We have shit all over the Buddha. Forget "What would Jesus Do", WHAT WOULD CONFUCIUS DO? I'm pretty sure he'd be in for a surprise next time he reincarnates in Tiananmen Square.

REPENT NOW. The end is near you fools. And it's name is Dragon Flu.